PC Perspective Forums - French Military History Lesson

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still
manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher
than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the
Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the
last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of
French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but
one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with
personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites
widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any
improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and
the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter,
then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in
front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to
Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how
to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in
German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the
German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage",
or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to
see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off
their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien
Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it
lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare
for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes
clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and
immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good
measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are
not helping us!

**You forgot the French intervention in Mexico 1862-1867 (why the Mexicans celebrate Cinco de Mayo - outnumbered and under equipped Mexicans beat the pants off the French).

***You forgot the '7-Years War' AKA The 'French and Indian War' (1756–1763) - arguably the real 'first world war'. France lost Canada, India and all territories east of the Mississippi to the British. Spain lost Florida to the British too BTW.

The only navel victory that the French had in it's long history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand.