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  1. #31
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    From Genome forum:

    An agricultural salesman is visiting a farm with a view to flogging a new type of combine harvester. "No, sorry son," says the farmer, "my pig takes care of all the harvesting - I have no need for your fancy gizmo."
    "Could save you money in the long-term" tries the salesman.
    "No, your combine would never match my pig's productivity - you should see him go - swishing away with that scythe."
    The salesman is intrigued about this pig and asks to see the creature. The farmer leads the salesman to an enclosure. Standing within - tall and proud - is the most magnificent pig the salesman has ever seen. But the pig has got a wooden leg.
    "That sure is an impressive pig, sir, but why's he got a wooden leg?" asks the salesman.
    "This pig is more than 'impressive' mister - I'm sure he's unique! Do you know he can also drive the tractor!?"
    "Really? But why's he got a wooden leg?"
    "He drives our children to school and back!! - even helps them with their homework!!"
    "I'm impressed" admits the salesman, "but why the wooden leg?"
    "THIS PIG is also a leading authority on organic farming; thanks to him we've managed to branch out, and now our revenue is higher than that of any other farm in this county!!
    "Yeah, yeah!! You've got one hell of a pig - I can see that by just looking at him - but why does it have a wooden leg!?" Insists the salesman.
    "Did I mention the publishing deals? This pig's just written a best seller - we're going to be even richer now!!"
    "Amazing, truly amazing - but why the WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!"
    The farmer looks admiringly at his pig and then turns to the salesman: Son, with a pig like this - you just DON'T eat him all at once."
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  2. #32
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    From genome forum:

    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too.
    Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
    The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
    “Because I’m not an Avalanche fan,” she retorts.
    “Then,” asks her teacher, “what are you?”
    “I’m a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan.
    “Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I’m a Wings fan too,” she responds.
    The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
    “Oh,” says the little girl. “Well, then I’d be an Avalanche fan.”
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  3. #33
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    From Genome forum:

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
    “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”
    The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I guess I just panicked....”

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  4. #34
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    From Genome forum:

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
    "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded.
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  5. #35
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    From Genome forum:

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female......Any part under a car’s hood.
    Male........The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female......Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
    Male........Playing football without a cup.
    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
    Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
    Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
    Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with intercourse
    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
    Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve..
    Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
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  6. #36
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    From Genome forum:

    A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
    "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs." "Got it," the home owner replied.

    "But what's the shotgun for?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
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  7. #37
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    From folding forum:

    The Perfect Employee
    1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
    2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
    3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
    4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
    5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
    6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
    7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
    8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
    9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
    10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
    11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
    12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
    13 executed as soon as possible.

    Addendum:

    That idiot Bob was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
    report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
    numbered lines above.
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  8. #38
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    From genoming forum

    A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
    dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
    and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it
    fell into this field, and now I'm going to retreive it."
    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
    and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
    own."
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
    Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
    The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied,
    "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
    back and forth, until someone gives up."
    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
    could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
    feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
    groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
    off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
    to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and
    said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
    The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"

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  9. #39
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    I hope DUCK doesn't see this!!



  10. #40
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    BUMP!!!!
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  11. #41
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    MT
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    Temperature Conversion Chart - Montana Temperature
    Conversion Chart:

    60 above
    Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
    Montana people sunbathe.

    50 above
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Montana people plant gardens.

    40 above
    Italian cars won’t start.
    Montana people drive with the windows down.

    32 above
    Distilled water freezes.
    Montanans store their beer outdoors.

    20 above
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Montana people have the last cook-out before it gets
    cold.

    15 above
    New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
    Montana people throw on a sweatshirt.

    0 degrees
    Californians fly away to Mexico.
    Montanans lick the flagpole.

    20 below
    People in Miami cease to exist.
    Montana people get out their winter coats.

    40 below
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Montana Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to
    door.

    60 below
    Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
    Montana Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes
    until it gets cold enough.

    80 below
    Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
    Montana people rent some videos.

    100 below
    Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
    Montanans get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

    297 below
    Microbial life survives on dairy products.
    Montana cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

    460 below
    ALL atomic motion stops.
    Montana people start saying....”Cold ‘nuff for ya?”

    500 below
    Hell freezes over.
    The Montana State Bobcats take the championship


    Ya might need to be from Montana to understand the last one.

    Or not.
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    Every day Gregory Peccary would get into his little red Volkswagen and drive to the ugly side of town, where they keep the government buildings.

  12. #42
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    Talking

    Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
    suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

    Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
    Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
    immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
    considered her to be mentally stable.

    When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news &
    bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you
    were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
    you've regained your senses." "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
    saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
    sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

  13. #43
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Very naughty Caprid!

    One day a lawyer was driving to a business lunch, and when he came up to a stop sign, he slowed down, and then continued on his way. Sure enough, an alert deputy noticed and pulled him over.

    Deputy: "Good afternoon sir, may I see your driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance please."

    Driver: "What's the matter officer, slow day?"

    Deputy: "No sir, may I have your Driver's license, registration and proof of insurance please?"

    Driver: "Sure, I guess, but there was absolutely no reason to pull me over, now was there?"

    Deputy: "Yes sir there was; you failed to come to a complete stop back at that last stop sign."

    Driver: "Oh for crying out loud! There wasn't another car for miles, I looked!"

    Deputy: "Nevertheless sir, the law does require us all to stop at stop signs..."

    Driver: "Hey, I slowed 'way down, looked both ways, made sure nobody was coming, and made my turn. Surely that is enough prudent care to fulfill the spirit and intent of the law?"

    Deputy: "No sir, the law in this state clearly notes that the driver must come to a full stop at a stop sign, that is why the stop sign is put there, sir."

    Driver: "But surely deputy, slowing down to a crawl is as good as a stop if I can see there is no oncoming traffic, isn't it? I defy you to tell me how there can be any significant difference between slowing 'way down and coming to a full stop!"

    Whereupon the exasperated Deputy pulled the lawyer from the vehicle, took out his nightstick and started to pummel the lawyer about the head and shoulders.

    Deputy: "Now sir, will there be a difference if I just slow down, or do you want me to come to a full stop?"

    And no, there's no reason he had to be a lawyer, I just enjoy the joke more this way...



  14. #44
    Joined
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    An Alberta construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along
    came a Quebecois. "I'm not hiring any Quebecer's," the foreman thought to
    himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Quebecois wouldn't be able to
    answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
    into an argument.

    "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
    represent the number 9."


    "Without numbers?" The Quebecois says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw
    three trees.


    "What's this?" the boss asks.

    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." Says the Quebecer.


    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same
    rules, but this time the number is 99."

    The Quebecois stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
    he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."


    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
    represent 99?"

    "Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
    dirty tree. Dat is 99."


    The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says,
    "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

    The Quebecer stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and
    makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One
    'undred."

    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
    represents a hundred."

    The Quebecois leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and
    says, "A little dog come along and dumped by each tree, so now you've got
    dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
    which make one 'undred. So when do I start?"

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  15. #45
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    I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes
    and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking
    ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
    guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

    So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing
    another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant
    pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
    Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes,
    the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My
    car was parked around the corner...
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