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  1. #61
    Mar 2002
    My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

    He found the problem. It was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears,and the dog could hear fine.

    The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring,
    she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover
    and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
    The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and, if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says, "Ok lady, that's up to you, but stay off your bicycle for a week!"

  2. #62
    Mar 2002

    The Elevator

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
    but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

    The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
    The father [never having seen an elevator] responded
    "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair
    rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
    The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
    The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

    They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
    The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

    The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"

  3. #63
    Mar 2002
    Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

    The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

    This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

    Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
    "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

    The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

  4. #64
    Feb 2002
    What has two buns and mustard?

    Half a hot dog!!!!

    Joke ruined by Fluff 'nStuff for bad taste...
    Last edited by Fluff n Stuff; 09-19-2002 at 11:09 PM.

  5. #65
    Feb 2002
    A horse walks into a bar.

    The bartender says"So, why the long face?"

  6. #66
    Oct 2001
    Subject: On Depression in Politics

    A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies,"The Prime Minister is just so depressed about the corruption scandals that he stopped his limo in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country hates him and he can't quit because he hasn't a big enough pension to retire. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him"."Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred litres but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.

  7. #67
    Oct 2001
    First i did a Canadian joke

    Now it`s time for an American joke

    Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to an Olympic hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American."Watch and you'll see,"answers a Canadian. They all board the train.The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American."Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says,"Ticket,please."

  8. #68
    Oct 2001
    Finally here`s a clean one

    Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her a$$ that read, "We will never forget you".

  9. #69
    Nov 2001
    What's red and goes up n' down?

    A tomatoe in an elevator!!!!!

    ok ok.....thats not funny!!!

    i'd rather be happy than right!

  10. #70
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
    May 2001
    South Seattle, Wa
    Hey guys, let's not even entertain those red and white, or grosser than gross jokes... In my humble Moderator opinion, I think Ephedrine has crossed that line, so I've ruined his joke. Sorry dude, but really, let's stay away from that stuff okay?

    No hard feelings 'nStuff...

  11. #71
    Feb 2002
    Well after three hours with my therapist and a case of Jack Daniels I think I'll get over it.

    I'll keep it a litttle more tasteful in the future

  12. #72
    Oct 2001
    So you think that YOU are having a bad day? Hah!!!

    Taken from a Florida Newspaper:

    A man working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Since gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come


    Upon arrival he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.

    His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

    The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics starting laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping

    The husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

    Feeling better yet?

    The average cost for rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

    After this one you should start feeling fine!

    A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

    Still not there yet?

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

    Maybe this will do it!

    Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

    if after this one you don't feel better I give up!

    And finally . . . Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.

    and here is the last and best

    The best has to be that two years ago police found a badly burnt body in a forest. An autopsy revealed that he died from shock rather than the burning. The more weird thing was that the body had a divers wetsuit on, along with oxygen tanks and their was no water for miles around. The police were puzzled as to how the diver got there and how he had gotten so badly burned.

    It turns out that 2 weeks before there had been a bad forest fire. In order to control the forest fire, a helicopter with water scoop was deployed (you've guessed the rest right!!!).

    The diver was diving in a lake 100 miles away when all of a sudden he became trapped in a metal container (the scoop from the helicopter). 15 minutes later he was being dropped from 1000 feet along with the water onto a burning forest inferno below!!!

    See your day's not so bad, is it?

  13. #73
    May 2002
    hot rainy Batam island, ID

    the joy of communication..

    ok, you may have read it somewhere


    -"Who's calling?"
    -"What is your name, please?"
    -"Watt's my name."
    -"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
    -"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

    A long pause, and then from Watt,
    -"Is this James Brown?"
    -"No, this is Knott."
    -"Please tell me your name."
    -"Will Knott."
    -Why not?
    -Huh? What do you mean why not?
    -Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
    -But I told you my name!
    -Didn't you say you will not?
    -Not not, knott, Will Knott!
    -That's what I mean.
    -So you know my name.
    -Of course not!
    -Good. So now, what is yours?
    -Watt. Yours?
    -Your name!
    -Watt's my name.
    -How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
    -Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
    name and you have not even told me yours yet.
    -You have been patient, what about me? I have told
    you my name so many times and itis you who have not
    told me yours yet.
    -Of course not!
    -See, you even know my name!
    -Of course not!
    -Then why do you keep saying of
    course Knott?
    -Because I don't.
    -What is your name?
    -See, you know my name!
    -Of course not!
    -Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
    -To find out your name!
    -But you already know it!
    -See, and you know mine!
    -Of course not!

    -Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
    is, what will be your answer?
    -Watt's my name.
    -No, no, give me only one word.
    -Your name!

    [pause before it hits him]
    -Oh, Wright!
    -So why didn't you say it before?
    -I told you so many times!
    -You never said Wright before
    -Of course I did.
    -Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
    -I do not.
    -Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
    -I do not!

    [pause before it hits him]
    -Oh, Guud!
    -No wonder, it took me so long,is that Dutch?
    -No, it's Knott!
    -Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
    -Yes Wright.
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  14. #74
    May 2002
    New York City
    How Did It Happen?

    "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as
    he set the man's broken leg.

    "Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

    "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this

    "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working
    on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
    farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
    there was anything I wanted.

    I said, "No, everything is fine."

    "Are you sure?" she asked.

    "I'm sure," I said.

    "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

    "I reckon not," I replied.

    "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have
    to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

    "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on
    me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

  15. #75
    May 2002
    New York City
    Who Is God?

    A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
    "Both son. God is both."

    After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

    "Both son, both."

    The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

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