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  1. #16
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    Please don't joke about spilt beer - that's not funny, that's serious

  2. #17
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    Location
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    Posts
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    My salty, foul-mouth baby brother was in town this weekend, on leave from the US Navy. So, we took a field trip to the liquor store to stock up on liquid refreshment to go with all that beef we bought for the grill.

    Anyway, I'm not joking Ned. I ... sob ... lost my grip on the second case of beer that was balanced on the first, and we lost 13 bottles. It did leave a brown sticky mess.

    I was so distraught, my wonderful wife was nice and bought more

    If only I had goats that were trained to wander to the local liquor store and return fully laden with beers. Caprid, can you train your goats to do that???
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  3. #18
    Joined
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    ROTFLMAO!!!

    Originally posted by Immunoboy
    If only I had goats that were trained to wander to the local liquor store and return fully laden with beers. Caprid, can you train your goats to do that???
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  4. #19
    Joined
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    That's a sad tale indeed

    Originally posted by Immunoboy

    I was so distraught, my wonderful wife was nice and bought more
    Now, if only I could train my misses in such matters

  5. #20
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Age
    44
    Posts
    13,194
    Engineering student & the bike


    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

  6. #21
    Joined
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    226

    The Beverly Hills Bobbits

    If anyone thinks this is too much for younger eyes that may be here, let me know and it's history.

    Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
    A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
    It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
    She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.


    that is.

    Clean cut.

    Missed his nuts.


    Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
    And Lorenas' in the car takin' willie for a ride.
    She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
    Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.


    Curve, that is.

    Tossed the nub.

    In the shrub.


    She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
    They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
    They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there",
    To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.


    Found, that is.

    By a fence.

    Evidence.


    Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
    So a **** doc said,"Hey I can fix that dong!",
    "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need",
    And the whole world waited 'till they heard that Johnny pee'd.


    Whizzed, that is.

    Straight stream.

    Even steam.


    Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
    With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
    They cleared her of assault and aquitted him of rape,
    And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.


    Video, that is.

    Unexposed.

    Case closed.


    Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now,

    ya hear????????

    Last edited by Shifter; 05-07-2002 at 10:30 PM.
    <<<"KILLER FROG" STYLE!!



  7. #22
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    46
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    13,852
    From the folding forum:

    A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his
    to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully
    visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

    After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy
    was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion."

    Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the
    traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

    As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her
    a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the
    bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to
    stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his .
    "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be
    named Wendy."

    "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say:
    'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, LAND OF WHITE SANDY BEACHES
    AND BLUE LAGOONS, A PARADISE ON EARTH! ENJOY YOUR STAY."


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  8. #23
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Age
    44
    Posts
    13,194
    Are you sure that wasn't Canada?



    Re: Made in Canda...Size small! hehehehe

  9. #24
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    The Goat Pen
    Posts
    4,088
    Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft

    Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

    "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

    "I dunno," said the second.

    "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

    "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

    While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

    "Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

    "Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."



    Immunoboy:

    Originally posted by Immunoboy
    If only I had goats that were trained to wander to the local liquor store and return fully laden with beers. Caprid, can you train your goats to do that???
    Goats can not be trusted with large sums of money Besides they are both 86ed from the local tavern, after the "Incident" when they were both there the last time



  10. #25
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
    Joined
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    Computers Are Evil: a Proof.

    First, let us establish that after all things have been factored in and out, Computers are just time by money.

    Computers = Time x Money

    It has been proved that time equals money, so:

    Computers = Money x Money

    or

    Computers = Money {Squared}

    With the known formulae that "Money is the root of all evil", we can say:

    Money = ({square root}evil)

    and then we get:

    Computers = ({square root}evil){squared}

    Which, solved, proves that:

    Computers = Evil


    QED 'nStuff



  11. #26
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Phobos
    Posts
    944
    A WOMAN RUNS INTO THE VETERINARIAN WITH
    HER DOG IN HER ARMS CRYING "HELP..I THINK MY
    DOG IS SICK"..
    THE VET TAKES THE DOG, LOOKS AT IT..TOUCHES IT AND SAYS "MA,AM YOUR DOG IS DEAD"
    THE WOMAN LOOKS BACK AND SAYS "HE CAN'T BE"
    THE DOCTOR BRINGS THE DOG TO THE
    TABLE AND CHECKS THE DOG OUT AGAIN "I'M
    SORRY MA'AM" HE SAY'S...
    THE WOMAN..NOT GIVING IN SAYS "NO THERE'S GOT TO BE
    SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO...
    SO THE DOCTOR TELLS HER TO WAIT..LEAVES..AND COMES BACK WITH A LARGE FURRY CAT AND WAVES IT OVER THE DOG..
    WITH THIS THE WOMAN IS FINALLY CONVINCED, AND
    THE DOCTOR GIVES HER THE BILL.....
    "WHAT!! $950.00 HOW CAN THIS BE"..THE DOCTOR REPLIED ITS $50.00 FOR THE CHECK UP...AND $900.00 FOR THE CAT SCAN.
    Last edited by Jim McPhillips; 05-15-2002 at 11:22 PM.
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  12. #27
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Phobos
    Posts
    944
    There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

    An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
    "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
    The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

    The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

    The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

    Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

    Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
    "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

    But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
    "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

    St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
    "You brought pavement?!!!"


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  13. #28
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Phobos
    Posts
    944
    Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.


    2002 Reader Submission
    Pending Acceptance
    At the pizza place where I work in Colorado when business gets slow we like to play with dry ice bombs. Dry ice is only $.99 a pound and one pound is a days worth of fun particularly since all of the drivers tend to keep empty pop bottles in their cars.

    one Sunday the frame shop next door had thrown out a long box they recieved their frame pieces in. I saw it and thought that if I tossed a 2-liter dry ice bomb in and put newspaper on top we might see a little explosive theory in practice.

    Later that day after I had emptied a 2-liter bottle I put in a few ounces of dry ice and added water. Here is where I made the mistake. I added cold water which slowed down the expansion. As such, nothing happened. After three more 1-liter bottle bombs the 2-liter hadn't gone off yet but the box had been destroyed.

    I went pawing through the "rubble" and found the 2-liter bomb. It had sprung a leak instead of exploding. Still, I wanted to show my co-workers the cool expanded bottle. This is where my BIG mistake happened. Instead of screwing off the cap and harmlessly letting out the compressed gas I decided:

    "If it's leaking it can't have too much pressure inside. I'll just poke a hole in the side with my trusty pocket knife."

    I have never heard anything so loud as that in my life and faintly recall seeing the green plastic flying off and a beautiful cloud of white gas before my eyes reflexively closed.

    Back inside the pizza kitchen about 20 seconds later I started checking for damage. Some glass shards on the bottle had made needle marks on my left fore arm and I had some trouble hearing. Thank goodness for my glasses or I may have blinded myself.

    A little over a week later I still have a ringing in my left ear and have probably done some permanent damage to that ear. I am still capable of reproducing but after this event I am having second thoughts about having children.
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  14. #29
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

    "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"

    Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

    Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

    About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"



  15. #30
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    46
    Posts
    13,852
    From Genome forum:

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
    Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
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