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  1. #46
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
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    Posts
    13,852
    Lesson 1:

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Management Lesson Learned: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 2:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree." sighed the turkey, "but I haven't' got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" suggested the bull. They are packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at the lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he! was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
    the farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Management Lesson Learned: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Lesson 3:

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird's wings began to freeze and it fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
    some dung on it. As the almost frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Management Lesson Learned: 1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend. 3) And when you're deep in sh*t, keep your mouth shut.

    Lesson 4:

    The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put a load on the poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right so
    they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

    Management Lesson learned: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your A$$.

    Last edited by Jay See Bee; 08-28-2002 at 08:02 PM.
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  2. #47
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Age
    44
    Posts
    13,194
    Parking Tickets

    I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

    So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

  3. #48
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Salem, MA
    Posts
    152
    A little racy, will remove ASAP upon request...

    An attractive, middle-aged woman comes home from work one day to find a message on her answering machine from her husband, an accountant, confessing that he had run away to their mountain cabin with an 18 year old beauty from his office.

    Only slightly distressed she calls up a young man from her office who had been flirting with her for a long time and invites him over. After wining and dining him, she sends him off into the bedroom. Just before following the young stud into the bedroom, she calls the cabin and leaves a message for her husband, "Dear, maybe you've forgotten, but since you're an accountant, surely you remember that 18 goes into 54 much better than 54 into 18".
    mobo: ASUS 266-D
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    "No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor."
    -Andrew Carnegie

  4. #49
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
    Joined
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    54 goes into 18 just fine! You just have to use imaginary numbers 'nStuff like that... lessee, was that the square root of negetive ... no, it was something about a piece of Pi and a hi pot in use... or was it angles and curves... been so damn long now...

    since I've done math that is...



  5. #50
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Salem, MA
    Posts
    152
    fluff : heard that one from a mathematician...
    mobo: ASUS 266-D
    cpus: 2x2600MP
    mem: 2 x 256 crucial,reg,ecc
    HD: Seagate 7200 rpm 40Gb
    vid: MSI TNT2 32MB
    net: 3COM 905CX-TXNM
    box: Lian Li PC60
    pow: Antec 430W TruePower
    "No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor."
    -Andrew Carnegie

  6. #51
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    The Goat Pen
    Posts
    4,088
    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
    was the one in charge.

    "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
    systems, so without me nothing would happen".

    I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
    over, so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and
    give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body
    wherever it needs to go."

    "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
    where it goes."

    "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
    waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a

    huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
    bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was
    toxic.

    They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story?

    The a$$hol3 is usually in charge.

  7. #52
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    47
    Posts
    13,852
    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
    minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
    in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby house and asked the attractive
    lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
    all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
    neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
    the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
    in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and
    enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
    It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
    from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:

    "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at
    on our ski holiday up North."

    "Yes, I do."

    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
    and have sex with her?"

    "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
    admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
    Why do you ask?"

    "No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!
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  8. #53
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    Kids On Love

    Reflections On The Nature Of Love

    "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
    pretty good too."
    -Greg, age 8

    What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

    "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work
    anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
    your bedroom."
    -Judy, age 8

    "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
    -Tom, age 5

    What Do Most People Do On A Date?

    "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
    usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
    -Mike, age 10

    When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

    "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
    buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
    videos of the wedding."
    -Jim, age 10

    "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
    thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
    willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
    hours."
    -Kally, age 9

    The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

    "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
    somebody to clean up after them!"
    -Lynette, age 9

    "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
    kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
    -Kenny, age 7

    Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

    "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
    do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
    popular."
    -Jan, age 9

    "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
    something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
    -Harlen, age 8

    "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else
    who has freckles too."
    -Andrew, age 6

    On What Falling In Love Is Like

    "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
    -Roger, age 9

    "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
    don't want to do it. It takes too long."
    -Leo, age 7

    On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

    "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
    family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
    -Jeanne, age 8

    "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome
    like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
    -Gary, age 7

    "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
    time."
    -Christine, age 9

    Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

    "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
    paid good money for them."
    -Dave, age 8

    "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down
    the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
    -John, age 9

    Confidential Opinions About Love

    "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
    Simpsons' is on television."
    -Anita, age 6

    "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
    have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
    girls keep finding me."
    -Bobby, age 8

    "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
    hard enough."
    -Regina, age 10

    "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
    -Floyd, age 9

    The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

    "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
    you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
    bills."
    -Ava, age 8

    "Sensitivity don't hurt."
    -Robbie, age 8

    Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

    "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
    -Del, age 6

    "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
    get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
    -Alonzo, age 9

    "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
    something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
    -Bart, age 9

    "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and
    don't worry if their parents are right there."
    -Manuel, age 8

    How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are
    In Love?

    "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
    tell if he's in love."
    -John, age 9

    "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
    get cold. Other people care more about the food."
    -Brad, age 8

    "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
    fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their
    hearts are... on fire."
    -Christine, age 9

    "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are
    just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they
    just broke up."
    -Sarah, age 9

    "See if the man has lipstick on his face."
    -Sandra, age 7

    What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"

    "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope
    he showers at least once a day."
    -Michelle, age 9

    "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
    finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
    -****, age 7

    How Do People In Love Typically Behave?

    "Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their
    tails nearly as much."
    -Arnold, age 10

    "All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit
    together in the dark."
    -Sherm, age 8

    How A Person Learns To Kiss

    "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
    the best of you."
    -Doug, age 7

    "It might help to watch soap operas all day."
    -Carin, age 9

    "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
    -Julia, age 7

    How Was Kissing Invented?

    "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
    warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
    fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
    -Gina, age 8

    When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

    "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
    you... That's why I stopped doing it."
    -Jean, age 10

    "When they're rich."
    -Pam, age 7

    "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a
    new person, you have to ask permission."
    -Roger, age 6

    How To Make Love Endure

    "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
    -Tom, age 7

    "Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
    -Roger, age 8

    "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
    never take out the trash."
    -Randy, age 8

    "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love
    isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
    -Natalie, age 9

    Titles Of The Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Beloved

    "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
    -Arnold, age 10

    "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
    -Larry, age 8

    "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
    -Eddie, age 6

    "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me
    When I'm with My Friends.'"
    -Bob, age 9

    "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You
    Are One!'"
    -Will, age 7
    ________________________
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  9. #54
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    SE England
    Posts
    292

    Smile

    16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

    1. It's an incentive to show up.
    2. It leads to more honest communications.
    3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
    4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
    5. It encourages car pooling.
    6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
    7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
    8. It makes fellow employees look better.
    9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
    10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
    11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
    13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
    14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
    15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
    16. Sitting "Bare ***" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

    Take a beer and send the truck to your friends!

    |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
    | B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\__,
    | _____________ l ||__|__|___|)~~|
    (@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)



    Spacehopper

  10. #55
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    SE England
    Posts
    292
    The Corporate Book of Life
    Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate Life,
    Chapter 1, verses 1-15:

    1. In the beginning was the Plan.

    2. And then came the Assumptions.

    3. And the Assumptions were without form.

    4. And the Plan was without Substance.

    5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

    6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a pile of crap and it stinks."

    7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

    8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

    9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

    10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

    11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

    12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "It has very powerful effects."

    13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

    14. And the Plan became Policy.

    15. And that is how crap happens

    Spacehopper

  11. #56
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, sarcastically, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



  12. #57
    Joined
    Aug 2002
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    980

    fast car

    OK Here goes.

    After waiting for ages this guy goes to pick up his brand new sports car from the dealer and after sorting everything out, pulls out of the dealers and drives off down the street, a huge proud grin on his face.

    After a couple of minutes he stops at a red light and and old man pulls up next to him on an old scooter and looks at the sports car admiringly.

    "Nice car" says the old man.
    "sure is,in fact its one of the fastest production vehicles in the world,capable of over 200mph" say the man proudly.

    "mind if i look inside?" says the old man on the scooter.

    "I suppose not ,but best hurry `cos i`m not gonna be hanging around when these lights change!" says mr 200mph

    The old guy hops off his scooter and leans in through the drivers window , shrugs and says "well i must admit i am impressed but on the whole i think i`d rather have old `betsy` here" he says patting his scooter.

    "i`m leaving this guy standing when these lights change" the guy thinks.

    The lights change and mr 200 screams off down the road and before he knows it,he`s doing 100mph and chacks his rear view mirror.

    To his horror he sees mr scooter in the distance...but gaining on him and in a couple of seconds he`s right behind him!

    Up into 3rd gears he roars away again and soon is doing 150 and checks the mirror again...

    "this....isn`t.......possible....!" thinks mr sports car as he sees scooter guy gaining on him like fury with some kind of sick g force inflicted grin on his face.

    He accelerates again and is nudging 205mph and looks in his rear view mirror with trepidation...

    "Nooooooo!" mr scooter is once again screaming up behind him when he suddenly notices a junction ahead and the lights are red. He brakes hard and the ABS kicks in as he comes screaming to a stop with feet to spare.

    "@#~$ that was close!!!" he thinks and the checks the mirror,the mirror is full of 200mph scooter.

    The scooter impacts with a sickening thud and the old guy is catapulted over the roof of the car 150 yards into the distance and lands in a tree.

    Mr sports car jumps from his car and stumbles towards the tree muttering "you better be dead you b*****d ,you just wrecked my new car"

    By some miracle ,the old guy is still alive and sees mr sports car approaching ,full of rage.....

    "Please don`t hurt me!!! It wasn`t my fault!!!"

    "You just totalled my brand new car you *******!!!!"

    "no,you dont understand!!! My braces got caught in your wing mirror!!!"


  13. #58
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    'It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and I was cleaning the moisture off my glasses as the doors of the uptown No. I train opened at 23rd Street. A white-haired man barreled in, talking fairly loudly into a cell phone. I thought nothing of it for about two seconds until I realized we were underground, and he was talking into a cell phone. I took another look and saw that what he held to his ear wasn't a cell phone, but a banana.

    He was telling the person on the other end of the banana that he was going to marry that person's daughter, bring her flowers and sing her love songs.

    He hummed a note or two, hung up, dialed the banana and reached someone in Italy. I know, this because he said: "Hello? Oh, Italy? Come stai?" I don't know what the two parties discussed after that because he continued speaking in what seemed to me to be Italian. When they were done, he redialed, reaching Germany - ("Guten tag!") - followed by Spain.

    By the time he contacted Florida, every eye in the car was fixed on him and his banana, and most were filled with tears from laughing so hard.

    As the man left the train at 66th Street, the young man standing to my left wiped his eyes.

    "He had the stem of the banana at his ear," he said. "I always thought that was the part you talked into." '



  14. #59
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    SE England
    Posts
    292
    It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty."Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

    Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"he roars, as big bears often do.

    Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

    It was Momma Bear who got up first.
    It was Momma Bear who woke up everybody else in the house.
    It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
    It was Momma Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and the wood for the fire.
    It was Momma Bear who set the table.
    It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
    And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...."

    "I haven't made the bloody porridge yet!!"

  15. #60
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    Golfer Vs. Skydiver

    What is the difference between a crappy golfer and a crappy
    skydiver?

    A crappy golfer goes "WHACK, dammit!"

    A crappy skydiver goes "Dammit, WHACK!"
    ________________________
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