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  1. #796
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  2. #797
    Joined
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a$$?" "Your name never came up," she replied.
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  3. #798
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  4. #799
    Joined
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Living Wills

    While I was watching the NFL playoff games one
    weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about
    life and death, and the need for living wills.

    During the course of the conversation I told her that
    I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state,
    dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a
    bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw
    out all my beer.

    Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

  5. #800
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Teaching Math 1950-2006


    Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
    The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
    She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
    I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
    While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
    Why do I tell you this?
    Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

    ---------------- -----------------
    1. Teaching Math In 1950

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

    What is his profit?


    ---------------------------------
    2. Teaching Math In 1960

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

    What is his profit?


    ---------------------------------
    3. Teaching Math In 1970

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

    His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    ---------------------------------
    4. Teaching Math In 1980

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

    His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

    Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


    ---------------------------------
    5. Teaching Math In 1990

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish, inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

    He does this so he can take a profit of $20.

    What do you think of this way of making a living?

    Topic for class participation after answering the question:

    How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

    (There are no wrong answers.)


    ---------------------------------
    6. Teaching Math In 2006

    Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.

    El costo de la producciones es $80.

    Cuanto es la ganancia?

  6. #801
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    Dec 2002
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    Blaine, WA
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Damn, SR, I like those! The last one really hits home. I was in the late 50's early 60's.....we had "new" math, wtf that was!
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  7. #802
    Joined
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    Location
    Blaine, WA
    Age
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Social Security When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home!
    "I'll have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
    She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  8. #803
    Joined
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  9. #804
    Joined
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA USA
    Posts
    5,696

    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by UncleBob View Post
    Social Security When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home!
    "I'll have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
    She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
    Time to divorce this woman, eh Bob!
    Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Eric Idle

    "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us -- Cats look down on us - Only pigs treat us as equals." Sir Winston Churchill

  10. #805
    Joined
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Blaine, WA
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    One Last Cookie An elderly man lay dying in his bed. He was nearing the final curtain, when suddenly the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies came wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he was barely able to half-stagger, half-crawl down the stairs.

    With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, salivating, he gazed into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on paper towels, the kitchen table was literally covered with hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love and kindness from his devoted wife, who was seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, he landed on his knees in a rumpled posture. His quivering lips parted and drooling, the wondrous taste of the cookie already in his mouth, his anticipation, his joy, his desire momentarily seeming to restoring his youthful vigor.

    The aged and trembling, withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie sitting nearest to the edge of the table, He watched the hand moving in apparent slow motion. The cookie was almost in his grasp, suddenly the quivering appendage was smacked with the flat of a heavy spatula wielded by his soon to be widow!

    "Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  11. #806
    Joined
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
    HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
    WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    WIFE: -- silence --
    HUSBAND: "shit

  12. #807
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert , married 52 years.

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

    So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walks in proudly.
    He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.' Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'?????

    Margaret looks up and says, ' Bert , what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'!

    Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET ??????'

    'Nope', she replies.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' To which Margaret replies...

    'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert . Shoulda bought a damn hat.'!!!!!

  13. #808
    Joined
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  14. #809
    Joined
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    Location
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    Posts
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Happy Holloweenie







    Main Rig: EVGA 141-BL-E769-A1 LGA 1366 Intel X58 CLASSIFIED/WATERCOOLED ED. cooled by the Monster Water Cooling Setup
    HTPC One BIG Case Asus 8 CORE Monster
    ASUS: 5 * BIOSTAR: 1 * CHAINTECH: 1 * EVGA: 3 * GIGABYTE: 5 * SUPER MICRO: 1 *TYAN: 2
    180+ GHZ total power for PC Perspective Killer Frogs Rosetta @ Home Team as The Uncle B's!!




    Spoiler!

    I'm the Uncle your Aunt won't talk about. Go ahead and pull my finger!

  15. #810
    Joined
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    5,941

    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam
    in a Tim Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next
    to him.

    The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up
    a conversation.

    The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the
    whole bread?"

    "Of course."

    The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only
    eat what s inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle
    them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

    The American had a smirk on his face. The
    Canadian listened in
    silence. The American persisted.

    "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?"

    Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

    Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
    the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
    peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
    them into jam and sell it to Canada."

    The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

    The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

    The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do
    with the condoms once you've used them?"

    "We throw them away, of course," said the American.

    Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we
    put them in a container,
    recycle them, melt them down into chewing
    gum, and sell them to the United States

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