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  1. #76
    Joined
    May 2002
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    New York City
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    481
    A Real Ball Buster

    "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

    So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

    "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

    Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!”
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  2. #77
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...

    A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
    The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

    A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

    The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

    All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

    After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
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  3. #78
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    Beer Brothers

    A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

    He then orders three more, and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in England. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness stouts too and we're drinking together."

    The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

    The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
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  4. #79
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
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    481
    Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

    -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
    -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

    -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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  5. #80
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    Deer Tracks

    Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
    The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

    The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

    They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
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  6. #81
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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  7. #82
    Joined
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    226
    Originally posted by lucid
    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    This has always amused me.......

    It just goes to show you how considerate bad guys can be when fighting.
    <<<"KILLER FROG" STYLE!!



  8. #83
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Bedford, England
    Posts
    458
    A young Red Indian boy is talking to his father, the chief of the tribe. "Dad, how do the children in the tribe get their names?"

    "Well son, it's simple; whenever a baby is born, I take it from the mother's tent and walk outside with it. Whatever is the first thing I see, that is the child's name. So it was with your brother, Running Bear and your sister, Eagle Soars Over Mountain. But tell me, why do you ask, Two Dogs F**king?"

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  9. #84
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding

    A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
    He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"

    Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
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  10. #85
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
    A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

    "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

    "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

    "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
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  11. #86
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481

    Another Dumb Blonde

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
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  12. #87
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481

    Bill Gates in Hell

    Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

    St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

    So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

    Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

    So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

    About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

    He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

    Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
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  13. #88
    Joined
    Jun 2001
    Location
    3rd planet of a small, insignificant sun in a totally unfashionable side arm of the western arm of the galaxy
    Posts
    386
    What is red and invisible?




















    No Tomatos.
    I think, therefore I amd

  14. #89
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Mr. Ryan DeVries
    2088 Dagget Pierson,
    MI 49339

    SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
    T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
    Montcalm County

    Dear Mr. DeVries
    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
    Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

    A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a
    free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

    Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    Sincerely,
    David L. Price
    District Representative
    Land and Water Management Division

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    RESPONSE

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
    T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
    Montcalm County

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
    Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

    I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
    stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
    where they dump!)

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

    Sincerely,
    Stephen L. Tvedten



  15. #90
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Everyone knows that the “Sasquatch” of the Pacific Northwest and the “Yeti” of Nepal are genetically related, but only recently has forensic science been able to distinguish the difference.....

    Sasquatch’s zipper runs up the back, the Yeti zipper runs up the side.



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