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  1. #1126
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    the Britgeezer

    My Heat otherwise a smoke free home

  2. #1127
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Benjdm... I just stole that one. Hope you don't mind...



  3. #1128
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread


    A man who just died is delivered to the local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, and points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


    The widow said she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she preferred him in a blue suit for the wake. She gave the mortician a blank cheque and said, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'


    The next day, the woman returned for the wake. To her delight, her husband had been placed in a gorgeous blue
    suit with a subtle chalk stripe -- and the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


    To her astonishment, the mortician returned her blank cheque. ‘There's no charge,' she said.


    The widow responded, 'No, really… I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'


    'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician replied, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . .
    So I just switched heads.'



  4. #1129
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread


  5. #1130
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Britgeezer View Post
    Did you see the Dogging one?

  6. #1131
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Fluff n Stuff View Post
    Benjdm... I just stole that one. Hope you don't mind...
    You should ask the guy at work I stole it from...

    SETI cruncher since May17, 1999

  7. #1132
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    If I'd asked, it wouldn't have been stealing.



  8. #1133
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread


  9. #1134
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Top 50 jokes from the UK. The top 10 may be to localized - I'll post them if you wish. Need translation?

    50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
    49. A seal walks into a club...
    48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
    47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
    46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
    45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
    44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
    43. You see my next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
    42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
    41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
    40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '

    39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '

    38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

    37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'

    Tommy Cooper's surreal non-sequiturs still raise a laugh today
    36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

    35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '

    34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

    33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
    32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '

    31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '

    30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
    29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '

    28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '

    27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

    26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
    25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
    24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '

    23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
    22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

    21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '

    20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
    19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'

    18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

    17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '

    16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
    14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

    13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '

    12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
    11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '



    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...#ixzz13WWP67ad
    the Britgeezer

    My Heat otherwise a smoke free home

  10. #1135
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Did you see the story where the dwarf got pick-pocketed?







    How could anyone stoop so low?

    SETI cruncher since May17, 1999

  11. #1136
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    I felt sorry for the Aussie hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 men and then dropped the microphone on his toe, yelled out "Aw, fook me..!!"

    What happened next will haunt me forever....!!!



  12. #1137
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread




  13. #1138
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    OMG this was me last night!


    Instead it split and decided to hit Scruff instead.

  14. #1139
    Fluff n Stuff's Avatar
    Fluff n Stuff is offline ♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♪♪♫♪♫♪♪
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    Weather Geeks Unite!



  15. #1140
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    Re: The Official Seti Funny Thread

    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"



    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."



    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?



    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "



    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
    the Britgeezer

    My Heat otherwise a smoke free home

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