Page 8 of 77 FirstFirst ... 4567891011121858 ... LastLast
Results 106 to 120 of 1141
  1. #106
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852

    Tragedy......

    Jean Chrétien was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class
    he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the class
    in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, Jean asked the class for an
    example of a tragedy.

    One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is
    playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that
    would be a tragedy." "No," said Chrétien, "that would be an accident."
    A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children
    drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
    "I'm afraid not," the Prime Minister said. "That's what we would call a
    Great Loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Prime Minister
    Chrétien searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who
    can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a
    quiet voice, he said, "If the Canadian Forces plane carrying Mr. and
    Mrs.Chrétien was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT
    would be a tragedy." "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would
    be a tragedy?" asked the Prime Minister.

    "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as
    hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  2. #107
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852

    Cold winter

    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
    chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
    Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and
    when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to
    be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
    winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
    should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader,
    after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
    National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
    "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
    meteorologist
    at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and
    told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later,
    he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very
    cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
    "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back
    to
    his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
    Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
    absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely,"
    the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How
    can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians
    are collecting wood like crazy."
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  3. #108
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my w
    ife that I would be home by midnight ...promise!

    Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easily. At
    around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
    door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

    Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine
    times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even
    when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her
    twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
    that one!

    She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why,
    she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh
    ****," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another t
    hree times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  4. #109
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852

    Genie

    Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have
    a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
    "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
    tacklebox and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

    "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??
    "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

    "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

    "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
    "Could I see him?"

    Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

    The friend says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you
    grant me vun vish?"

    "Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and
    the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there
    waiting for his million bucks.

    Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
    flying overhead is heard.

    Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"

    Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
    Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  5. #110
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
    pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid
    of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable,
    she kept silent.
    The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
    breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of
    your bra."
    This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
    his •••••. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed
    this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and
    your brother."
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  6. #111
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
    night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
    The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass
    onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I
    lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
    it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
    make off with the cheese."
    The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
    after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse
    and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can,
    take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning
    so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
    third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh
    and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullSh*t. Gotta go
    home and have s** with the cat."
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  7. #112
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    According to a news report, Mount Ida High School recently was faced
    with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
    would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
    lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little
    lip prints.
    Every night, the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day,
    the girls would put them back. Finally
    the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the
    girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
    She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
    the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
    difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
    clean the mirrors.
    He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
    cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
    mirror.
    There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.

    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  8. #113
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    that one was brilliant jay!
    ________________________
    updating...

  9. #114
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    Originally posted by lucid
    that one was brilliant jay!
    I posted 9 yesterday
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  10. #115
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    well, the last one stood out
    ________________________
    updating...

  11. #116
    Joined
    May 2002
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    481
    The Ultimate Chicken Joke

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
    against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile
    on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over
    and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT
    question!"
    ________________________
    updating...

  12. #117
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    UK
    Age
    51
    Posts
    20,229
    Courtesy of Mrs Slider:

    Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
    complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

    Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

    "How long will this take?" she asks.

    "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    The wife stops.

    "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

    He shrugged and said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

    He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again.

  13. #118
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    UK
    Age
    51
    Posts
    20,229
    And another:

    A 87 year old man went to his Doctors and said
    "Doctor, I need a sperm count"

    The Doctor replied "At your age?"

    The man said "Yes, you see I'm getting married for the 5th time and she's a younger woman"

    "How old is she?" asked the Doctor

    "84" the man replied.

    "OK" said the Doctor handing him a sample jar.

    The man returned a week later giving his Doctor an empty sample jar.

    The Doctor asked "what was wrong?"

    the man replied
    "Well, at first I tried with my right hand, but to no avail.
    Then I tried with my left, but no luck.
    The wife tried with her right hand, but still no luck,
    and then with her left, nothing.

    Then the wife took her teeth out and tried with her mouth, still nothing.

    Finally, my 18 year old daughter from a previous marriage tried with the aid of some some lubricating jelly, but it was still no good"

    The Doctor said

    "I am sorry,





































    wait for it



































    next time I won't do the lid up so tight"


    You've all got really dirty minds

  14. #119
    Joined
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Age
    48
    Posts
    13,852
    ROTFLMAO!!!

    Ned, that last one was too funny!!
    Q6600 @ 3.0Ghz
    Asus P5K Deluxe
    4GB Corsair PC6400
    ATI X1650 Pro

  15. #120
    Joined
    Jul 2001
    Location
    UK
    Age
    51
    Posts
    20,229

    Two Nuns

    There were two nuns...
    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
    thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?

    What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
    He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
    minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
    I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
    about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
    Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened.
    The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened.
    I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do.
    I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do.
    He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

    A nun with her dress up can run faster
    than man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
    say two Hail Marys!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •