Haven't heard of that one. Maggot gagging stuff?
Seriously Jim, is it (the Tiger beer) good enough to look for out west here? Don't recall having seen it anywhere.
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"
"I want numma 69," she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You want... Beef with Bloccoli?"
Two elderly men were talking about Viagra.
One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for. "It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30."
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"Probably - if you took two."
The Duck & the Lawyer:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and sa id, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped! him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Oooooooooo wait'll jimz sees that
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
'You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?'
The Englishman said, 'Very sporting of your mother.'
An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife, a redhead, picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.
"Damn, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.
"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.
A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.
"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"
The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
Now here's a good reason to wash yer mouse every morning
Latest E.coli Death From Spinich
What will we ever do without Popeye?
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick ?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw BOTH of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"